When the end comes and the earth tilts, Crested Buttians will know how to hold onto their drinks.
“This is the end…The end of our elaborate plans; The end of everything that stands; The end.” – Jim Morrison
Every time I think about mending my procrastination tendencies I simply remind myself that according to Mayan calendars, the world will end in about 4 years and then it's just easy to rationalize that hike, trip, purchase and slackerness into a justifiable experience conducive to my evolution at the time of the end.
“I wouldn't worry about the Mayan calendar,” my daughter explained. “They've already had their apocalypse. Their calendar ended a long time ago. They're gone.” Nevertheless, I'm confused as to what to do for the end of the world. Do I put my stuff in storage? Stockpile cat food, yak jerky and top shelf gin? What is fashionably appropriate at the end of the world – basic little black dress or white sheets?
What exactly is the end anyway – what kind of end is all this fuss about? Sure, there's the cataclysmic disaster of biblical foretelling and slamming asteroids. Fanatics and fundamentalists have been screaming for the end for two thousand years or more. Either they want to be able to shake that righteous finger and smirk, “See, we told you so...” or they want you to think the end is nigh so you'll join their apocalypso party and purge your soul of materialistic evil, bequeathing it to their cause. But why give up all your earthly wealth if the end of the world is around the corner? Better to spend it all and party like it's 2011.
I called on my astrologer pal, hoping to shed some planetary light on dark predictions simultaneously printed in papers at the grocery checkout counter, and to ease my fears about utter destruction.
“Well, yes, according to the planets something will occur to change life as we know it but I choose to believe the change will not mean the end of the earth. But,” she stuttered... “well, there ARE planets that indicate... well... explosive power and serious changes...” Not feeling particularly heartened I considered previous non-manifesting catastrophic world prophesies.
Supposed cosmically scientific evaluations that life would end during similarly epic planetary alignment when, in 1982, all nine celestial globes in our solar system would be lined up on one side of the sun, causing a gravitational tug-of-war worthy of earthquakes and magnetic force fields powerful enough to flip earth's axis and finally shake us off terra firma to free fall in space. The best part was the multitudes of pre-destruction parties to enjoy the last of the old world before we were collectively tossed out of the airlock of our galactic third planet home.
The Harmonic Convergence was predicted for August 16, 1987 and was also based on planetary alignments and a new age guru's Mayan interpretation – which was completely unfounded in any Mayan scholarship. Nevertheless, the Convergence was to usher in the end of all the evils of the modern world – war, materialism, violence, injustice, governmental abusive of power – an end we could all live with. Groups, armed with a plethora of crystals, gathered in the cosmic vortices like Sedona, AZ and on the Golden Gate Bridge. However, many others confused the Harmonic Convergence with Boulder's wacky annual Kinetic Conveyance race, and showed up on the shores of the reservoir thinking that the self-propelled land and water crafts were alien space ships. The ensuing party was far more entertaining than meditating and waiting for the planetary politicians to turn from their evil ways in a burst of enlightenment.
In the late 90s Sheldon Nidle, lead visionary for earth's membership of the Galactic Federation, predicted the human evolution would come when 16 million space ships converged upon the Earth with a swarm of angels trailing. Why there was a need for spaceships when there were flying angels was not clear. Maybe it evolved from a childhood trauma of those terrifying flying monkeys of Oz. I still mentally scan skyward for screaming winged primates when I'm hiking alone through the woods...
Another cult out of Texas determined that god would return in 1998 and invite their group to board a spaceship. When that didn't happen, the cult decided that god would appear on channel 18 simultaneously across the world, however, Playboy had gotten the calling first and bought up channel 18 – at which point all similar Christian cults decided to watch channel 18 as frequently as possible in case god did show up to preempt the regularly scheduled show.
If I were going to subscribe to any of the world ending saviors it would be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. An evolved blonde cheerleader, with supernatural powers, precociously kicking the Hell Mouth closed, thus continually saving the world from demons and impending destruction – a secret messiah to the unknowing human race. That’s the kind of salvation goddess I would emulate. Some endings are good, after all, Crested Butte is at the end of the road. So, don't worry about the world coming to an end today – it's already tomorrow somewhere.
